Warped's Quotes of the Century of the Year

[WarpedWiseMan]

For my 1000th post on this forum of patience, enlightenment, respect and simply good manners I thought I would post some of my favorite quotes from geniuses funnier than I am.

So I present to you my first edition "The Jack Handey Tier":

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy, and floating...you finish off as an orgasm.


So these are my favorites, I hope they brought you a modicum of enjoyment because none of you have ever given me any. More to come, maybe...possibly. Fuck off.

[ArvinJA]

We get it, you like Sacha Baron Cohen. What's new?

[AAlex]

While we're at it, and since this is a special day, can we have a WarpedWiseMan vs Cobaltjones cage fight to the death, pls?

[GrogAlt]

While we're at it, and since this is a special day, can we have a WarpedWiseMan vs Cobaltjones cage fight to the death, pls?

yes, please! can we, can we?!

[Tonkyhonk]

gratz on your 1000th post.

“I imagine a hundred Chinese Icaruses, molding wings out of earwax. You can't stop people from wishing.”

[WarpedWiseMan]

I have 12 minutes to kill before my lady friend comes over to play with my balls, so I now present:

The Ron Burgundy Tier: Trident Murders

"There were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident." — Brick Tamland

"I immediately regret this decision." — Ron Burgundy

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means ‘a whale’s vagina.’" — Ron Burgundy

"You are a smelly pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?" — Ron Burgundy

"I love lamp." — Brick Tamland


Did you know that, according to a study I made up to make this point, other than The Princess Bride and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is the most quoted movie of all time?

[Grandmaster]

I have 12 minutes to kill before my lady friend comes over to play with my balls, so I now present:

A male dressed up as a woman doesn't count as a lady.

[WarpedWiseMan]

Warped Wise Mannheim Studios Presents:

The Spaceballs Tier: You Give Great Helmet

So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

[viewing Spaceballs The Movie]
LORD HELMET: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
COLONEL SANDURZ: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
LH: What happened to then?
CS: We passed then.
LH: When?
CS: Just now. We're at now, now.
LH: Go back to then.
CS: When?
LH: Now!
CS: Now?
LH: Now!
CS: I can't.
LH: Why?
CS: We missed it.
LH: When?
CS: Just now.
LH: When will then be now?
C: Soon.

LORD HELMET: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
LONE STARR: What?
LH: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
LS: What's that make us?
LH: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

COLONEL SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, sir.
LORD HELMET: I know that. What's his name?
CS: That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
LH: And his cousin?
CS: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunners mate first class Philip Asshole.
LH: How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?
Crew: Yo!
LH: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes!

BARF: I know we need the money, but...
LONE STARR: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

COMPUTER: Self-destruction in 10, 9, 8, 6, 5...
SPACEBALLS: Hey, what happened to 7?
C: Sorry, just kidding. 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Have a nice day!
S: Thank you.

[AnnaC]

Spaceballs is great.

I liked "Oh great, just what we need, a DRUISH princess!" "Funny, she didn't look Druish!"