Venture into the Virginal vastness of Montana

[DDDsDD999]

It was the steamy month of August, a month of great beginnings, such as the birth of the one known as Onep. But, a story for another time. The scene begins in the barren wastes known as Montana in the northern reaches of the luscious United States of America. Onep and Ziggy having been wrongfully banished from the ponderous boards of Haven and Hearth were left in a distraught and perplexed state. In their search for meaning in the bleak void known as existence, a whisper was heard. From the lips of a being known neither as he nor her: “You must aid another in need.” From this the seeds of adventure sprouted girthy vines that gripped the wanderlust soaked hearts of the tormented pair.

[Onep]

As the vines of hunger worked their way through the mind of Onep an idea occurred: Montana. There surely the desperate duo could find the salvation they sought. Turning to Ziggy, Onep spoke in his raspy Oklahoma-thick voice “Ziggald! We must go on an odyssey to Montana to discover those who need us most! This banishment from the realm of fun-posts is not a call for us to cease, but to spread our word!” Resolutely Ziggy replied “Clearly, this is what we were called upon this soil to do. It is our duty to our proud culture of memes to spread their wonder throughout the land.” And with that, our valiant heroes set forth on a journey to the wild American wastelands known as Montana to discover the meaning of existence.

[DDDsDD999]

The sun was a solemn mark on the desert horizon. It had beaten on Onep and Ziggy’s backs all during their journey, yet it was clear their journey was over for the day. Ziggy began making the arrangements for a tent and living arrangements. Onep however was hard at work on more important needs. Onep collected a pile of cacti in his backpack and went back to camp. Onep tossed the cacti out and began work on the necessary cactus wine. However, he improperly cooked the ingredients leaving mounds of salmonella in the mix. Onep and Ziggy awoke hours, possibly days after their alcohol induced comas to find their tents, campfire, and backpacks stolen, definitely not because of indians. The adventurers felt great pain in their abdomens and a mountain of diarrhea laced blood spurts in their pants. With great cracks and a fine layer of dust, their lips were parched beyond recognition. The combination of dysentery and dehydration was clear.

[Onep]

Onep and Ziggy continued crawling along the desert floor, careful of their movements as any made in haste could result in an avalanche of blood encrusted fecal matter. During their crawl they left their head down to avoid direct contact with the glaring Montananian sun. However both Onep and Ziggy felt a sudden breeze and looked up at once. Looking down at them, the great spirit of jorb appeared before Onep and Ziggy. Jorb announced unto them “as a well-spring of fun-posts comes from fun posters, so too shall you flood the impoverished Native Americans of Montana with your joy. No other being under my protection is capable of fun-posting of your magnitude. At the base of this hill you will find the cheerless and soiled land of the Black-feet indians. There you will find the true meaning of fun-posting.”

[DDDsDD999]

In a haze of white and the buzzing of a fluorescent light above, our heroes sluggishly take in their surroundings. Onep peers down the length of his arm and spies an intravenous needle inserted into his arm and a thin line leading back to a clear bag of water suspended in the air. Ziggy was in the same state. Our champions of the internet had been rescued and taken to the clinic on Black-feet Reservation!

[Onep]

On his left Onep saw another cot, a small figure doubled over wrapped in the comforting envelopment of sheet and blanket. The figure was muttering of misery and suffering, lamenting the overzealousness of last night’s binge. Onep chimed it “So, you have yet to master the art of alchohol, huh?” A young Native American girl emerged from the blankets, eyes bloodshot and squinting in the sheer white light of the room “how does one become a master of the firewater?”
Ziggy, a tactile master of the art of inebriation responded “First, one must set their mind to a goal, an idea, a meme. And with this begins the first step on the road to quality fun-posting.”

[DDDsDD999]

“But what does fun-posting have to do with alcohol” the naive young one asked? With a hearty chuckle Onep stated “Everything! Without the distillation process, memes mean nothing! Empty shells of broken words and illiterate ramblings. It’s only with the inundation of nature’s spirits that we can shape and form these wild memes into coherent forms of fun-posting. Truly, a magical process that has been blessed upon us mortals.”

[Onep]

Striking as close to a regal pose as he could while in an ass-less hospital gown and obviously emaciated from a traumatic bout of dysentery Ziggy illustrated the second method of alcoholic perfection “The key to proper intoxication, is to never give up, never surrender, and never stop drinking. For, if you do not stop, you cannot sober up. And this is the fundamental secret of fun-posting.” Awe-struck with the endless fount of knowledge that is Onep and Ziggy the native gril asked “But where should I make these fun-posts? What kind of board could contain such enlightened potency?” With a mirthful giggle, the duo responded in unison “the Haven and Hearth forums.”

[DDDsDD999]

And with that, the brazen champions of pure and unadulterated fun-posting raised from their shabby cots, tore free of their IV drips and set off into the blazing orange sunset. Their quest to sew the seeds of their ethanol rich enlightenment had been a success. From this one sapling planted in the Black-feet Nation a tree of immense fun-posting power would flourish to enrich the lives of those who lived under its alcohol-soaked boughs.

[DDDsDD999]