Eh, Do you like this?

Chiefwaffles · Post by **Chiefwaffles** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:53 am

Well, I'm travelling a long ways with my main, to find less civilized areas. Due to the frequent raidings on my home. I decided to keep a little "Journal" in the character's view. Tell me, would you people want more of this, or do you hate it?

Day 1 - Departure
I set out from my camp with only the basic tools, a dead rabbit, and 4 dreams. I leave a runestone notifying my friend of my departure, then I set off with my boat. Saw a boar on my way past the nearby lake. I picked up a root from land with a few chopped trees, some runestones with gibberish, and a claim. I'm already pretty hungry. I hope my rabbit will last me until I find a nice fishing spot. I need to pay attention, so I'll lay down my journal for now.

Post by **TeckXKnight** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:57 am

I enjoy reading journals but it's nice when they're more stylized and in-depth. Yours is, I'm sorry to say, more than a bit bland. Perhaps develop it a bit more before attempting to construe a story out of it?

Chiefwaffles · Post by **Chiefwaffles** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:58 am

Yeah... I'm a terrible writer. Any more opinions?

EDIT:
What about suggestions for improvements?

Post by **TeckXKnight** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:06 am

Chiefwaffles wrote:What about suggestions for improvements?

Add fluff~
You didn't just engage a boar and pelt it with rocks till it ran before punching it to death; you recoiled in terror as a boar glared at you from the river banks. Steeling yourself while you drew your sling; much like the mighty Goliath, it would fall. Spinning your trusty weapon with careful aim, you hurled your bullet. Your accuracy was terrible and you struck a nearby tree but it was enough to startle the boar. Taking the opportunity, you slipped out your pig sticker and grabbed it from behind, putting an end to your foe in a less than glorious manner. Perhaps for the best, as the beasts are known to run through swords to gore their targets.

Just flavor in general. It's much more fun to read, in my opinion.

Chiefwaffles · Post by **Chiefwaffles** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:10 am

Would you like a change like this?

I was picking up some roots

to

I pulled up the root partially covered, unleashing a hail of dirt.

Grog · Post by **Grog** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:17 am

yep. and you need to avoid a single block of letters

Alubag · Post by **Alubag** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:05 am

TeckXKnight wrote:
Chiefwaffles wrote:What about suggestions for improvements?
you recoiled in terror as a boar glared at you from the river banks. Steeling yourself while you drew your sling; much like the mighty Goliath, it would fall. Spinning your trusty weapon with careful aim, you hurled your bullet. Your accuracy was terrible and you struck a nearby tree but it was enough to startle the boar. Taking the opportunity, you slipped out your pig sticker and grabbed it from behind, putting an end to your foe in a less than glorious manner. Perhaps for the best, as the beasts are known to run through swords to gore their targets.

This is great

ninja_yodeler · Post by **ninja_yodeler** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:16 am

Alubag wrote:
TeckXKnight wrote:
Chiefwaffles wrote:What about suggestions for improvements?
you recoiled in terror as a boar glared at you from the river banks. Steeling yourself while you drew your sling; much like the mighty Goliath, it would fall. Spinning your trusty weapon with careful aim, you hurled your bullet. Your accuracy was terrible and you struck a nearby tree but it was enough to startle the boar. Taking the opportunity, you slipped out your pig sticker and grabbed it from behind, putting an end to your foe in a less than glorious manner. Perhaps for the best, as the beasts are known to run through swords to gore their targets.
This is great

i do agree, but the term 'pig sticker' does not seem to fit the context <i think is the right word> or perhaps the 'mood created by the choice of words' as your words make you seem a lot more formal and dignified, then the use of slang sort of ruins that feel.

but at the OP. more depth please, look up the topic, anathesia's diary. that is a good story

EDIT: I GOT THE NAME WRONG BUT HERE IS THE LINK. viewtopic.php?f=7&t=14931&p=197196&hilit=diary#p197196

Post by **TeckXKnight** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 12:19 pm

ninja_yodeler wrote:the 'mood created by the choice of words' as your words make you seem a lot more formal and dignified, then the use of slang sort of ruins that feel.

My apologies for that~
This is why you don't see me writing a journal =)

niltrias · Post by **niltrias** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 12:24 pm

Slipping from italic to germanic always does that sort of thing.

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